Why do I feel saudade? Why do I want to listen to bossa nova when I think about Hibino-san? I thought saudade was only for something you lost in the past. Is she something I lost? No. She isn’t associated with anybody from my past. She’s simply not in my memory card.
Maybe it’s that particular young period she represents. Yes, a unique phase, daigaku life. I didn’t experience the daigaku zeitgeist. I heard during the 60’s, university students in Japan read Sartre, and hung out at jazz cafe. I don’t know what the zeitgeist is like today. Maybe watch anime and hang out at maid cafe? Well, that’s more like Akiba-kei. Not necessary today’s university student. I don’t know. In fact, daigaku phase is missing in my life.
Or is it youth she represents? If I could, I really want to remain young since I didn’t get to experience youth during my school years in Japan. Youth, in other words, is romance. But every year, my forehead is getting wider, and my skin is losing its smoothness. A clear sign that we’ll eventually die, which only worsens my depression. More hair loss indicates that we’re closer to death, which I can never accept. That’s one of the reasons why I’m afraid of mirrors. Whenever I see myself in the mirror, I scream “Help me!” and rush to my bedroom and open my laptop and watch anime.
Even if you manage to live long, you’ll eventually become senile. Who wants to date an old geezer on a wheelchair? But I don’t usually get carried away this much from seeing any random young girl on a street. Only when I see sailor uniform girls in 2-D, but this time, unexpectedly Hibino-san, a 2-D joshidaisei! Since then, only Hibino-san makes me feel this lonely with this uncontrollable anxiety.
So, what is she? Is it because of her chichi? Oshiri? Or beautiful hada (肌 “skin”)? Yes, I’ve been yearning for skin (人肌が恋しい). Yes, I want to feel her thoroughly with five senses, especially olfactory, gustatory, and tactile. These three senses for anime is going beyond physics, so it’s metaphysics. 3-D girls sing, “Let’s get physical.” But 2-D girls sing, “Let’s get metaphysical!” I want to sense her overflowing life force. Yes, her trademark is the overflowing life energy of chichi (乳気)! And the most energetic one is joshidaisei’s!
According to the French postmodern psychiatry, chichi is the One we were all once connected in the past. The time we didn’t need language since our mouth was filled with chichi. But since we’ve been alienated from chichi, we’re constantly tormented by manque (lack). And manque in Portuguese is saudade. Manque produces poetry just like saudade produces bossa nova. And Hibino represents the primordial chichi we’ve long lost. Otherwise, it can’t be explained why we’re abnormally obsessed with her chichi. So, 3-D is a world without chichi, a lost world where someone becomes a drifter like Tora-san, and someone becomes a NEET like me. That’s why a lost man seeks chichi as youth, immortality, the Tree of Life, or Brahman! To reunite with the fairest! Yes, that is the Holy Reunion! So contrary to what the Buddha said, it’s the road to reunification!
Therefore, it’s anamnesis. Hibino-san is the eternal feminine that has been remembered in my soul, but forgotten through incarnations. That’s probably why she’s so special to me! That must be it! 謎はすべて解けた！(All the mystery was completely solved! – Kindaichi‘s signature phrase) Hibino-san is the Idea of beauty I’m eager to have skinship, this sensation of mine is eros, a drive to reunite with the One, to reach ecstasy like St. Theresa.
Though metaphysics is all nonsense, I can still assure this; a drive to fill the void, lack, to regain something you already lost, or going to lose, or to attain something you missed, i.e., youth, symbolized by Chichino-san, this eros of mine is Platonic Sex = 2-D chichikuri. In other words, moe!