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Otaku In The Mirror/watashi no kare wa hikikomori

Kyun Kyun, Kyun Kyun, watashi no kare wa hikikomori!


ソクラテスはキモかった。Socrates wa kimokatta. (Socrates was repulsive). -Friedrich Nietzsche

Ranka Lee of Macross F sings ‘Watashi no kare wa pilot‘ (originally by Lynn Minmay, composed by legendary Hane-Ken). But I want her to sing ‘Watashi no kare wa hikikomori.’ A pilot is a war hero, and evokes certain images: Red baron. Red comet. Amuro, Char, Saotome Alto. But, war hero is as old as McCain’s gray hair.

In the age of 2-D, in anime or dating sims, we make girlfriends. So the characters should sing, “私の彼はひきこもり (my boyfriend is a hikikomori).” Hikky is new hero.

Why am I a hikky? First, I have eisoptrophobia. In other words, I’m spectrophobic. I’m afraid of mirror. Man in the mirror is a kimo-ota, hetare. If you are リア充 ria-juu, (living satisfactory life), you see a narcissist in the mirror, but if you’re experiencing a “perception of failure” as Glenn Beck calls it, you find yourself repulsive. kimoi (repulsive) + otaku = kimo-ota. That is Man in 3-D. Yes, mirror is exactly a reflection of yourself in the 3-D world. That’s why I can’t face the mirror. I think mirror is a measurement of autophobia (self-loathing), just like John Lennon said “God is a concept to measure our pain.” So, God is in a sense our mirror. Confession room has a mirror. That’s why the Japanese put a mirror in a shrine, symbolizing the divine power. The Sun Goddess Amaterasu said, “treat this mirror like you treat me.” The Shinto mirror is just like the all-seeing eye on a dollar bill, or the eye of evil from Lord of the Ring: it has a penetrating power to see through illusions to the truth.


I can’t see myself in the mirror, and at the same time, I don’t want the public to see me. I’m afraid of being looked. So, I have scopophobia like Morino from Okami san and her seven friends. You know, eye contacts are highly stressful. It causes a great deal of anxiety. Why? Because eyes are like the mirror. It reflects you. Yes, eyes are the camera lens. I know why stars feel uncomfortable when they’re taken pictures by paparazzi. It’s the same. I feel uncomfortable being taken pictures with their natural lens. Everywhere you go, there are cameras. Wal-Mart, parking lot, cross section of the traffic. London is the worst, citizens are constantly being watched. So, I can’t get out at the marketplace, because of agoraphobia, a fear of the market, just like these German shepherds returning from wars. That’s why I need privacy from Orwellian 3-D.


I also have zoophobia. I don’t like beasts including dogs and cats. I thought humans were different from animals, but turned out to be otherwise. The truth is human beings are part of the animal kingdom, so zoophobia includes anthropophobia, a fear of humans. Because of zoophobia, I try to avoid eating meat. Not because of health reason. I don’t want to mix with lower creatures. It’s carnal and bestial. And the meat of beasts makes men violent. Probably macho men are the closest to the beasts since they are the most violent one.

Because I’m a misanthrope, I’m horrified to be in a huge crowd. It wears me down. Women are slightly better than dudes. At least they don’t come off violent and intimidating. More than 90% of violent crimes are committed by dudes. Dudes get really aggressive, you can imagine some sports bar, they always start a fight during football game. Alcohol makes them extremely violent, so I try to avoid alcohol also.

"Boys bullied me a lot in kindergarten."
"Because of that, I still get nervous to talk to boys even today."

Dudes are scary, so I’m also androphobic, i.e., misandrist. Macho men are cruel and brutal, especially Taikukai-kei (jocks), the alpha male type. I’ve long experienced male aggression since preschool like Sae Nakata of Amagami, a very sweet girl. I totally understand what you went through, Sae-chan! Let’s run away and elope together! Anyway, they all give me anxiety. They resort to violence to get what they want. They compete with their horns and fangs to win females. And the strongest gets everything. Winner-takes-all, just like American electoral college, an embodiment of crappy machismo. Thus, sex is limited to few men, that’s why men become aggressive. If sex becomes more available, then violence will drop. I’m not asking for orgy, but at least freer sex. If sex is free, why need violence? It’s already been seen in muriquis’ world, so let’s liberate sexuality in human society. Yes, free skinship! True freedom! But that won’t probably happen in my life time.


Therefore, I am afraid of society run by machismo. So, I’m a sociophobe. That’s why I wear a mask when I go out. People must have thought I was wearing it to avoid SARS or swine flu, but no. It was to hide myself from the public eyes. And I don’t want to be looked directly into my eyes, so I wear shades as well. But avoidant personality is not recognized as a disability. Mentally challenged people get assistance. Mental illness is well recognized. But socially challenged people such as hikky don’t get recognized but blamed as lazy bastards, useless waste, and the burden of society although social illness is also a handicap.

Shouldn’t we be able to get a wheelchair parking? Shouldn’t we be able to get charity…salvation? For the sake of Assumption of Maria-sama…

Back in a minute…

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