Otaku In The Mirror/watashi no kare wa hikikomori

Kyun Kyun, Kyun Kyun, watashi no kare wa hikikomori!


ソクラテスはキモかった。Socrates wa kimokatta. (Socrates was repulsive). -Friedrich Nietzsche

Ranka Lee of Macross F sings ‘Watashi no kare wa pilot‘ (originally by Lynn Minmay, composed by legendary Hane-Ken). But I want her to sing ‘Watashi no kare wa hikikomori.’ A pilot is a war hero, and evokes certain images: Red baron. Red comet. Amuro, Char, Saotome Alto. But, war hero is as old as McCain’s gray hair.

In the age of 2-D, in anime or dating sims, we make girlfriends. So the characters should sing, “私の彼はひきこもり (my boyfriend is a hikikomori).” Hikky is new hero.

Why am I a hikky? First, I have eisoptrophobia. In other words, I’m spectrophobic. I’m afraid of mirror. Man in the mirror is a kimo-ota, hetare. If you are リア充 ria-juu, (living satisfactory life), you see a narcissist in the mirror, but if you’re experiencing a “perception of failure” as Glenn Beck calls it, you find yourself repulsive. kimoi (repulsive) + otaku = kimo-ota. That is Man in 3-D. Yes, mirror is exactly a reflection of yourself in the 3-D world. That’s why I can’t face the mirror. I think mirror is a measurement of autophobia (self-loathing), just like John Lennon said “God is a concept to measure our pain.” So, God is in a sense our mirror. Confession room has a mirror. That’s why the Japanese put a mirror in a shrine, symbolizing the divine power. The Sun Goddess Amaterasu said, “treat this mirror like you treat me.” The Shinto mirror is just like the all-seeing eye on a dollar bill, or the eye of evil from Lord of the Ring: it has a penetrating power to see through illusions to the truth.


I can’t see myself in the mirror, and at the same time, I don’t want the public to see me. I’m afraid of being looked. So, I have scopophobia like Morino from Okami san and her seven friends. You know, eye contacts are highly stressful. It causes a great deal of anxiety. Why? Because eyes are like the mirror. It reflects you. Yes, eyes are the camera lens. I know why stars feel uncomfortable when they’re taken pictures by paparazzi. It’s the same. I feel uncomfortable being taken pictures with their natural lens. Everywhere you go, there are cameras. Wal-Mart, parking lot, cross section of the traffic. London is the worst, citizens are constantly being watched. So, I can’t get out at the marketplace, because of agoraphobia, a fear of the market, just like these German shepherds returning from wars. That’s why I need privacy from Orwellian 3-D.


I also have zoophobia. I don’t like beasts including dogs and cats. I thought humans were different from animals, but turned out to be otherwise. The truth is human beings are part of the animal kingdom, so zoophobia includes anthropophobia, a fear of humans. Because of zoophobia, I try to avoid eating meat. Not because of health reason. I don’t want to mix with lower creatures. It’s carnal and bestial. And the meat of beasts makes men violent. Probably macho men are the closest to the beasts since they are the most violent one.

Because I’m a misanthrope, I’m horrified to be in a huge crowd. It wears me down. Women are slightly better than dudes. At least they don’t come off violent and intimidating. More than 90% of violent crimes are committed by dudes. Dudes get really aggressive, you can imagine some sports bar, they always start a fight during football game. Alcohol makes them extremely violent, so I try to avoid alcohol also.

"Boys bullied me a lot in kindergarten."
"Because of that, I still get nervous to talk to boys even today."

Dudes are scary, so I’m also androphobic, i.e., misandrist. Macho men are cruel and brutal, especially Taikukai-kei (jocks), the alpha male type. I’ve long experienced male aggression since preschool like Sae Nakata of Amagami, a very sweet girl. I totally understand what you went through, Sae-chan! Let’s run away and elope together! Anyway, they all give me anxiety. They resort to violence to get what they want. They compete with their horns and fangs to win females. And the strongest gets everything. Winner-takes-all, just like American electoral college, an embodiment of crappy machismo. Thus, sex is limited to few men, that’s why men become aggressive. If sex becomes more available, then violence will drop. I’m not asking for orgy, but at least freer sex. If sex is free, why need violence? It’s already been seen in muriquis’ world, so let’s liberate sexuality in human society. Yes, free skinship! True freedom! But that won’t probably happen in my life time.


Therefore, I am afraid of society run by machismo. So, I’m a sociophobe. That’s why I wear a mask when I go out. People must have thought I was wearing it to avoid SARS or swine flu, but no. It was to hide myself from the public eyes. And I don’t want to be looked directly into my eyes, so I wear shades as well. But avoidant personality is not recognized as a disability. Mentally challenged people get assistance. Mental illness is well recognized. But socially challenged people such as hikky don’t get recognized but blamed as lazy bastards, useless waste, and the burden of society although social illness is also a handicap.

Shouldn’t we be able to get a wheelchair parking? Shouldn’t we be able to get charity…salvation? For the sake of Assumption of Maria-sama…

Back in a minute…

Author: Monsieur LaMoe

A refugee from Japan. Live in NAFTA. Get hooked on Moe. Moe is opium? Twitter: @MonsieurLamoe

11 thoughts on “Otaku In The Mirror/watashi no kare wa hikikomori

    1. @DawningBlue

      You misconstrued my point. The fact is that I’m not mentally ill, but socially ill. That was the point I was making at the end. The best therapy would have been a mutual feeling with a girl, but they failed me, so I go to 2-D to seek salvation.

      But thanks. 🙂

    1. @Ray and Ning

      Thank you very much! I’m really glad that you enjoyed it!

  1. I still feel like it’s not a good idea to let women choose whether or not you feel good about yourself. Your claim is that because you weren’t treated right by women, you ended up feeling bad about yourself and are now a victim of this litany of phobias. I simply can’t accept the idea that other people have the right to decide how you feel about yourself. This is what I was trying to articulate when I said that you “deified” women, a term that I have since realized was poorly chosen. What I was trying to get across is that I don’t think it’s right to give women (or anybody else for that matter) the power to control how you feel about yourself. You acted and continue to act as though women, by their continuing choice not to commune with you (though I feel it poignant to point out that there is no feminist conspiracy designed to perpetuate this fact [which you acknowledge; you blame society and how it’s conditioned women]), had sentenced you to a fate that you have to endure even now, when I just don’t think that’s true. I think that you more than anyone else has the power to control how you feel about yourself. I encouraged you to think of women not a one monolithic force, as you seem to talk about them, and more as individual humans like yourself, because they are not all working together to deprive you of their skinship. These are all individuals that have made the choice themselves; yes, perhaps they’ve all been influenced by common factors, but each individual makes the choice independently of the others’ choice.

    By now I’m probably back to reiterating myself and articulating myself badly.
    I apologize for sermonizing, but this is something that I feel strongly about.
    Thank you for taking the time to consider my opinion, even though it differ from yours; it’s still always a good experience to hear your opinions, which are always interesting and unexpected.

    1. @Multiball

      As always, thank you for taking some time to write your well-thought comment. I really appreciate your passion, and argue with respect.

      Yes, society is the reason why we’re miserable. It’s long been cruel to us. So we experienced revolutions over times. Americans saw King George’s society was cruel. So, they fought and gained independence. Or like Pilgrims, I escape from 3-D to 2-D to live peacefully with a girl claiming, “My boyfriend is a hikky.” It’s not a matter of right, no matter what, we’re influenced by the environment. If we really try to be without it, we have to shut all our senses, but that’s either in the state of deep sleep or death. So we try to change society, but if we fail, we look for other places, in my case, 2-D. In that sense, I’m a true American looking for freedom.

      Well, I wrote this article in response to Analog Diaries. I should’ve titled “Digital Diaries.” You can tell otaku in analog time were very energetic and adventurous. A very few people could be otaku that time. I’m from digital age, apres guerre, post-Cold War, post-bubble economy, grew up in the lost decades, teachers and parents didn’t have any dream to show. Especially after Evangelion and explosion of IT, otaku is more inclusive, even depressed inward people like me can be otaku.

      But all I’m just saying is give skinship a chance. Yes, I listed litany of phobias like John Lennon listed litany of “isms” in his song. So, let’s sing together, “All we are saying is give SKINSHIP a chance!”

  2. Don’t worry, I think I have scopophobia too, to the extent that I avoid eye contact with my friends in my all-male school so often I think I’m a sexual deviant. I need to see a counselor.

    1. @Valence

      Thanks for the comment! I hear you. I can never imagine myself being in all-male school. That would be Lord of the Flies. Maybe for gays and fujoshi, it would be heaven, just like I find myself having ecstasy watching yuri anime.

  3. Well, it seems that you have already received many good advices here. I like to add that if you can strive to make yourself do well in areas that society in general praises, like some sports or exercises, some academic studies, or other useful skills, it will help you in many ways and allow other people to appreciate you better.

    1. @maglor

      Thank you for your kindly advice. I really appreciate it. Yeah, sports is not my thing, you know. But I try to learn some guitar and perform at social settings. Maybe that way, I can impress girls. They might be start asking my phone number as well. I figure I’m better at music skill than conversational skill.

Comments are closed.