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Diary of an Anison Lived Part 1

Wer nicht liebt Wein, Weib und Gesang der bleibt ein Narr sein Leben lang (Who loves not woman, wine, and song remains a fool his whole life long). – Martin Luther

What anison (anime-song) made a huge impact in my life?

When I was a lone school boy, there was an anime called Neon Genesis Evangelion. It was really unconventional. I couldn’t grasp what the hell was going on, the story itself was too complicated and too intellectual and so intense that I got dizzy. Because of its roughness, the ending credit with a rather serene music was an awe. The contrast impressed me deeply. A upside down silhouette of Ayanami Rei walking on the reflection of the moonlight at sea was just beautiful. That was the first time I ever saw a person walking on the water besides Jesus. Yes, Ayanami was definitely miraculous. I never heard this kind of music before. By the time I knew, I was asking around (no wikipedia at that time, didn’t even have access to Internet, so the only way to look up info was talk to people, which was extremely difficult for a sociophobe like me) and figured it was a jazz standard called Fly Me To The Moon.

But, it didn’t sound like jazz either. So, I wanted to know its genre. Then, I asked people in my class who were watching Evangelion. And they said, “It’s Bossa Nova.” That was the first time I ever heard about Bossa Nova. It didn’t sound like an English word either. They said it was a Brazilian music and the word Bossa Nova was a Brazilian word. So, I wanted to explore more about Bossa, then I went to a CD store nearby my house (no YouTube at that time, very stone age), and asked the store guy what was a good start for Bossa. And, he showed me a CD of Tom Jobim’s songs, so I bought it. And I popped the CD in, and the first song I heard was Chega De Saudade. Ahh, it was a breeze that I never felt before.

That was the first time I ever heard the word “Saudade.” Yes, saudade is the fundamental concept of Bossa. Without saudade, there’s no Bossa. Bossa can’t exist without saudade. Yes, saudade is roughly translated “melancholy.” Yes, Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi. In Brazilian, it’s translated “Saudade De Suzumiya Haruyi.” Yes, what I felt from the ending theme of Eva was saudade. Fly Me To The Moon was arranged in Bossa. Sweet finger picking of rhytmical guitar and evanescent piano. And a beautiful female vocal. How divine… The most divine music I ever heard in my life. It was just angelic…

Ah, how saudade my life has been… I wish my saudade was influential like Haruhi, so everyone would kiss my ass, lest the world would end. But I don’t have any influence over the world, nothing happens to the world even if I don’t exist, and I’m the one always end up kissing ass in 3-D, i.e., capitalism society. Labor is not for me since I’m tired of being a Yes-man just to make ends meet. Enough of that. I rather have my ass kissed, but never had any influence over anybody. My words don’t mean anything to anybody. Japan was “the nail that sticks up gets hammered down” society, so I was taught to answer only “Yes” to the authority, in other words, taught to kiss ass, that’s what salarymans do. They are full of Yes-mans to the corporations. That’s why I never wanted to be a grownup in Japan. Yes, the authority is VIP, who has the biggest influence over you. They get the most Yeses. In turn, the most unimportant schmuck, so-called “worthless piece of shit,” always gets Nos. Yes, VUP (very unimportant person)…

Ahh, how many girls have said “No” to me…the moment they said “I’m sorry,” I immediately knew I was the most powerless idiot on earth. The fact that the most important people in your life turned you down… The truth was too unbearable. I couldn’t face myself in the mirror, a reflection of 3-D. So, I went inward. The outside was too stifling. And eventually I left the country for good. Tokyo Gov. Ishiwara Shintaro wrote a book The Japan that can say No. But to me, it was Japan that I had to say “No” to. I had to prove that I existed. It was a Celie moment from The Color Purple,I’m here!” It was during this saudade period that Bossa came into my life. It was surely a lifebuoy I desperately wanted to cling to.

So, that’s how I got into Bossa. Before Bossa, only girls would give me ecstatic sensations. But Bossa also gives me the same divinity that girls give. Never in my life happened to me like that.

I still remember all the girls I fell in love back in my school years, and I feel saudade whenever I think about them, and my mood will be very bossa. It’s this nostalgia, that you can never go back to school and experience school romance, especially 17 years old, that I have lost forever. A dream is a wish for the future, but a regret is a wish for the past. Yes, Paradise Lost. Yes, something unreachable, unattainable. I wish the world was like a video game, so I could just press the reset button and start from the beginning, Game Over wouldn’t be an issue, yet, 3-D doesn’t go that way. How melancholic…saudade… That’s why 2-D is my salvation, especially school romance anime, romantic comedy…if there’s a school romance anime with Bossa soundtracks like School Rumble, Eri Sawachika’s Feel My Feeling, I’ll be smitten for sure!

Ahh, girls and music, the most beautiful things on earth, which is more beautiful?

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