New Year’s over and Valentine Season again??? Give me a break. This world, 3D, is surely built for riajuu. Well, I have no choice but be anti-Valentine preemptively, so I won’t be gullible to chocolate companies conspiracy, this capitalism custom. So, here’s Kimo-ota No Hikigatari Part 3. Part 2 was “At Least Be My Okazu,” an ode to Inaban in Kokoro Connect. Yes, how awesome 2D girls are, they will sexually objectify me, even making me their okazu!
Here are the lyrics:
Kimo-ota No Hikigatari: Part 3
that I really want to say she is hot
that I need to avoid
Those girls are crazy
they ask me to become their sexual fantasy
which is okazu, the okazu
I’m happy to become
That I really want to claim they are mine
We dudes would fool around
These guys are crazy
They want them to appear in their wet dreams
They are otakus, repulsive ones
That I’m associated with
The worst of all among otakus
That’s what perorists do
The best of all among okazus
That’s what onanists do
I want to be Seigneur, earning Droit Du Seigneur, or the Right of Master. Yes, meijin (Master), like Hikaru-no-Go, Chihayafuru, Master of Go, Master of Karuta, Master of Shougi, Master of video game like Takahashi Meijin in BTOOOM! For craftmanship like costume-making, meister (master). And for music composer or conductor, maestro (master). Yes, I want to be the Master. But only genius with perseverance gifted by the intelligent designer can be the Master. Unfortunately, I don’t have none. So, I go to maid cafe to be goshujin-sama (master). But that’s yet to be realized since there aren’t any maid cafe until another con comes up. So, my only choice left now is to be an onani master by ogling 2D girls. Master of onanism! Yes, like Onani Master Kurosawa!
So, I took the bait, I went to Doki Doki Maid Cafe on Day2. What was the reason I went to the maid cafe? There’s only one reason; to be the master (ご主人様 “goshujin-sama”). Yes, that’s what Nietzsche talked about; Master Morality. The philosophy of Master. In other words, Meister philosophy, based on Richard Wagner’s Meistersinger (master singer). If you’re a cosplayer making your own great costumes, then you are a craftsman, thus meister. And meister’s most respected zokusei (attribute) is the singing ability, and this applies to any kind of meister in Germany. In order to become a meister, you not only need to become the master of the craft but also a good singer. So, if you cosplay well and sing well, then you are a meister-singer. But I’m no cosplayer nor a singer, God or intelligent designer didn’t give me that talent. So, I’m no way a craftsman, which means I’m not a meister/master. And usually cosplayers take at least 4 or 5 years or even a decade to be recognized as craftsmen. Similar to shakuhachi (Japanese flute), 3 years for accurate sounding, 8 years for vibrato. But that’s too long for me. I want to be the master right away. I want to be respected as a master rather than looked down upon as a loser NEET. And what’s the shortcut to be the master? The answer is simple and crystal clear. Maid-cafe!
The Paper’s awesome article about Anime USA 2012 Maid Cafe, the best Anime Diet article of 2012, inspired me to become the master of the universe. I want to build my own umwelt or weltanschuuang. And the only way I can think of with my weak (but not weak enough to be qualified for disability) intellectual faculty is Maid Cafe.
So, I went to Doki Doki Maid Cafe, a cosplay restaurant of AnimeLA. Yes, cosplay kissa (cosplay cafe). But alas, there was a huge line, and I had to wait more than an hour. During the waiting time, the boredom was unbearable. I tried to chat with people in the line also, but still, the waiting period was just too long. It drained a half of my energy. When I went to Miku concert at PMX, that was horrible too. But luckily, a gentleman before me handed me Wall Street Journal which featured Petraeus’ fall, so that sexual scandal was good enough to kill the time. But I didn’t have Wall Street Journal with me this time, and nothing exciting like Petraeus scandal these days, only fiscal cliff, so it was boring. And just before drowsiness kicked in, finally, a cute looking maid came to us and apologized for making us wait. And then, at last, we could go in.
It was 5 bucks just to get in. But a maid at the front didn’t address me as “goshujin-sama (master/meister/maestro).” My instant reaction was like, “Give me 5 bucks back!” And the room was fully packed, and there weren’t enough maids for the number of customers. We were guided by another cute maid (well, all the maids of this cafe were very cute) with an overly short skirt that emphasized a nice looking zettai-ryouiki, and she assigned us to a table. Actually I wanted to get a maid’s service only for myself, but since the room was packed, I had to share the table with other folks. And we didn’t get to choose the maid since they were short. So, already at that point, my meister-quest kinda failed. A group service isn’t that bad, a shared worldview is okay, it’s still fun, but this wasn’t what I wanted. You want to completely monopolize a maid all by yourself. Yes, ein maid, ein table, ein meister!
So, I decided to give them an order. Yes, as a master, that’s what you do to your maid. Yes, an order would make me a master! At least, while I was sitting at the table, I had the right to do so! It’s closer to Droit Du Seigneur. Well, not quite, but the concept is similar, you are the owner of the maids, i.e., Meister of the maids! That’s the true ownership society that Dubya talked about! So, as meister’s prerogative dictates, I ordered omurice with my name on it enclosed with a heart mark.
Meanwhile, maids brought several games to us like jenga while we were waiting for okazu (food) to be served. Yet, all maids were running around, so they didn’t have time to play game with us, so that was also disappointing. We didn’t get to choose our own maid, and we didn’t get to play games with the maids… Of course, janken was out of question. How can you be the master with this service?
And finally, omurice arrived to our table, but I was appalled by its tininess. 6 bucks for this much? Man, this is crazy. Carl’s Jr.s spicy chicken sandwich is a far better deal then. And what’s more, it wasn’t actually omurice but only the top of the rice was covered with the fried egg. “You call this omurice?” It wasn’t wrapped with the egg at all. It looked like a damaged product. Is this the kind of food they serve to the master? This was the most disappointing service I ever got in my whole otaku life. And no single maid called me “goshujin-sama (master)” for the whole time. How can I feel like a master? How can I brag this to my fellow otakus? All my otaku friends would be laughing at me. I would lose my face a big time. “How was your virgin maid-cafe experience at cons?” How should I answer that? I’m not creative enough to make up a lie, I’m not a creative writer. The intelligent designer didn’t give me that gift too. It’s just shameful.
Thus, my master-quest was an epic fail, well at least at AnimeLA. I hear a lot of people having a wonderful experience at con’s maid cafe like PMX and Otakon. I read several good reviews about it. But this one, oh no… What can I tell you? So, the result is, I couldn’t be the master. Or is this something you have to go through in order to be the master? Was this the same ordeal that Job went through when he needed to prove himself to God? I thought Maid Cafe was a fast track to be the master. Neither have I skills or talents to be the master with my intellectual capacity nor perseverance, which is unfortunately my pre-existing condition. The intelligent designer simply didn’t give me those. I’m always awed by cosplayers’ boastful costumes whenever I go to cons. And at this con, I actually went to Cosplay Panel presented by Rokken Island Meta Force, the winner of AnimeExpo2012 Masquerade (Best Of Show), and oh wow, their craftsmanship just blew me away. Yes, cosplayers will tell you that as long as you enjoy making costumes even though you suck at it, that’s all that counts. But to me, I want to be the meister, that’s what matters! Because if you suck, you aren’t the master, you get no recognition. So, the point is, I don’t need to be a genius to be the master if I go to a maid cafe. A maid will recognize you as her master. I can bypass all these requirements: skills, lifetime experiences, dealing with pre-existing conditions and handicaps. So, AnimeLA’s maid cafe could have been my salvation…
However, I failed to be the master. They didn’t recognize me as a master. This is more like a mission incomplete than ressentiment. Oh yes, a foolish koi swallowed a baited hook. Apparently, a koi didn’t become the dragon. Yes, it was a master-bait, much more miserable than self-consolation thinking about 2D girls. It’s supposed to be master-quest instead of master-bait. Therefore, my master-quest has to be continued at the next con then.