KANAGAWA PREFECTURE – At 3 AM today, children in the prefecture of Kanagawa who watched too many Pokemon episodes with lights off on purpose began to report dizziness, headaches, vomiting, and an urge to attack adults with squeals and eating human flesh.
As most of the kids were sent to the hospital right away, the first victims were the nurses, and then, the doctors.
“It was horrible! Simply horrible!” said Nurse Nakagawa of Shinsen Hospital in the port city of Yokohama. “I mean, one moment this little boy was just so cute and sleeping soundly, and the next moment he started to scream ‘chikly breeeee!’ and then opened his mouth, and his teeth became really sharp, and he just tried to bite my neck!” She shook as she spoke. “It was terrible!”
Some reported that a few of the kids started using axes and kitchen knives on passersby. Others reported seeing kids throwing Pokemon balls stuffed with firecrackers.
“How the hell did they get those?” a police officer, who refused to be named, said. “I wanted to hit them with clubs, but I just couldn’t hit a little girl!”
It’s reported that some of the kids surrounded the toy stores and smashed the windows with poke balls, chanting: “Teigoku! Teigoku!” Others chanted: “Bomu paaru haabaa! Bomu paaru haabaa!”
“You know, even though I’m a big, burly and proud American, I was quite scared!” a tall American man exclaimed. “When these chanting kids saw me, it was like they saw their archenemy or something, and they surrounded me and started pissing on me and throwing these rounded objects.” He shook his head. “I was gonna beat ’em with my belt like a good ol’ boy from the south oughtta do, but then they took out axes and kitchen knives – you know, there were like, 50 of them, and I just went, ‘uh-oh’, and I got the hell outta there as fast as I could.”
It is rumored that the police have set up barricades and waiting to launch surgical strikes against these crazed kids. Details are forth coming.