WASHINGTON – In a surprise move today, US President Barack Obama issued an official Executive Order that from henceforth it is now legal for individuals in the United States of America to marry fictional 2D characters.
“We have seen progress my friends, and it has come from the east,” Obama said, citing recent advances in Asia where the marriage of humans and fictional characters has already begun. “I have heard the plea from our people in the otaku community, and no longer will the United States of America discriminate against our two-dimensional citizens. Animericans will now have the same rights and privileges to marry whomever they choose.”
Animericans, short for Animated-Americans, are simply fictional cartoon characters. While not technically alive by any means, American otaku citizens have been fighting tooth and nail for the right to marry their two dimensional love interests since they saw it was becoming all the rage across the Pacific.
“Today, I believe the President has made great strides in bringing human Americans and Animericans closer together. In more ways than one,” said Animerican activist Ron Nerdageek, head of the Marriage Otaku Equality league. He then held up a picture of his Animerican girlfriend Misato Katsuragi, drawn winking and flashing a victory sign to the camera. “I’m so glad we can finally marry!” her word balloon declared.
This lovely couple aren’t the only ones excited about the new presidential mandate. Already hundreds of otakus have been lining up outside courthouses, some dressed in tuxedos carrying drawings of cute anime girls in wedding dresses. “Real women never paid any attention to me,” said an anonymous otaku as he waited in line with a cardboard cutout of his bride to be. “But Haruka has always been there for me. This is a proud day for both of us.”
This move has brought harsh criticism from certain members of Congress who are staunchly against the idea of marriage to cartoons. “This is absolutely ridiculous,” decried 569th district representative and Anti-Animerican Party member Gus Mcdoodledonnel. “They aren’t real! Grow up you losers!”
Nevertheless, as it stands right now, people are free to marry the fictional character of their choice.
So if you will please excuse me I have a date with Motoko Kusanagi and Wonder Woman I need to get ready for.