Otaku In The Mirror Part 2

Kyun Kyun Kyun Kyun, boku no kanojo wa migite!

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If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell. -Jesus Of Nazareth

Boku no kanojo wa migite (my girlfriend is my right hand). It’s a sad statement by hetare. Whenever I watch a romantic anime on Niconico, I always see comments like, “I wish I had a girlfriend. But, my current girlfriend is my right hand.” A very Otaku’s lamentation indeed. Because of evolution and machismo factors, a hetare can’t get to have skinship, making him incel, involuntary celibate. Yes, we’re celibates. So, that means we’re as holy as religious celibates such as Catholic sisters. We’re as holy as Mother Theresa indeed. Why aren’t we getting the same respect? It’s just whether it’s involuntary or voluntary, right? Yet, hetares can’t embrace flower generation concept of peace-making.

Yes, peacemaking is lovemaking, erotic humping! The Gipper’s slogan was peace through strength, flower people’s was peace through sex, but hetare’s would be peace through O72*?

Midori no Hibi, that anime is so hetare. Yes, the heroine’s hair color is Midori (green), the same haircolor with Ranka Lee. That’s the most staggering prophesy I’ve ever seen, even more frightening than Nostradamus’. Your right hand becomes a girl! Yes, even if we want to make peace, we don’t have any girl to make peace to. Can’t sing, “Making peace to only you, so hold me tight tonight!” Maybe sing, “So I make peace to myself, what a skinshipless world.”

I wonder if hetares are already members of this peace movement. Their motto is Peace through O72. You know, I felt like a total loser joining them, so I didn’t. It just reinforces the fact that 3-D (reality) is very harsh. And I don’t want to be infected by O72. O72 will attack you when you are most vulnerable feeling lonesome and saudade (melancholic).

O157 infected kindergarten kids in Osaka from eating kaiware-daikon (sprout radish) in 1996. In order to ease public panic, Kan Naoto (current Prime Minister of Japan, Health Minister in 1996) had to eat kaiware-daikon in front of the press. Now, as PM of Japan, he needs to address the nation to be on the lookout for a new bacteria, O-72. If you get O72, when you see yourself in the mirror, your hand will start transforming into a human girl, and she will start talking to you. What a spooky ventriloquist epidemic… O72 is a new ergot.

Bridge-maker is pontifex, and peace-maker is pacifex. A renowned bridge-maker was John Paul II. MLK, Mahatma Gandhi, John and Yoko were the renowned pacifex maximus, the greatest peacemaker. But hetares are falling to be pacifex minimus. The least auto-pacifier. Anything auto (self) is a sin. Autism (auto + ism), auto-consciousness, and auto-consolation. So, hetares are fallen angels like Onan the sinner. Les miserables. So, we try hard not to be a sinner, but if we hold it for too long, Hoover Dam will explode. Does “lucid” dream also count as a sin? That dream is nothing we can do, it’s beyond our control. It’s automatic~♪ Even Utada agrees with us.

So, what is a golden remedy for O-72 when peace through skinship is unattainable? It is Moe! Virtual skinship. Spiritual skinship. Moetical skinship! Cleanse us from defilement! So, I rather become the real winner in 2-D instead of a loser/sinner in 3-D. Peace through moe!

Let us march forward to 2-D, land where hetares cried, land of the Otakus’ pride, from every cliffside, let moe ring! For the sake of MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech anniversary! But not that kind of dream…

Back in a minute…

*O72 is pronounced “onanii” in Japanese, reference to the story of Onan.