In America, simply no girl smiles at you. The only place where girls smile at you wholeheartedly is Starbucks. That’s why I always to go Starbucks, and see a girl smile at me, and have a very short term of instant gratification of being recognized.Yes, I perfectly know that they are trained to smile at customers, and I’m just a customer to her. But still, while no girl smiles at me in real life, I get to have a little humble pleasure from being smiled at this coffee shop, or this globally franchised cafe. I always smile at girls, but usually my humble favor is not returned or simply ignored here in the United States of America, or I should say NAFTA. Sometimes, I resort to a speculation that this might be due to racism because I’m an Asian boy, but that is hardly a case because racism was defeated by Obama’s historical election in 2008. So, since 2008, racism is dead. So, I would think that it’s simply that American services in general are DMV quality.
Now I’ve got used to dystopic America too much, where all shops except for Starbucks are like DMV. Yes, their service is really crappy. They treat you like cattle before being sent to slaughterhouses. Buta-don (Pig bowl) of Silver Spoon even got better love than us. I don’t think they see me as a valuable customer who is helping them to feed their family. When they say “thank you,” there is no emotion attached, and no smile at all.
So, I wanted to go to a cafe, yes, where girls smile at you. Yes, the ultimate one is needless to say that maid cafe in Akiba! So, I went to Akiba with high expectations that they would be far better than Starbucks. As my maidology study tour, trying to emulate our Anime Diet maidologist The Paper.
In Akiba, alas, there were so many maid girls in Akiba passing flyers to us lonely otakus walking down the street day-dreaming imaginary girlfriends (2D girls) in our heads. As passed Central Avenue, suddenly girls with maid outfit appeared a lot and grabbed my attention. And ohhhhh, they were so cute. Japanese girls are usually very slender and tiny, so that also enhances fluffiness of maid costume, which looks really cute and embraceable. And first I was going to @home cafe, probably the most renowned maid cafe in the world, but I got a flyer from maids from Maidreamin. I think Maidreamin is coming to Los Angeles sometime soon? Or it’s just a rumor? And the other maids with Samurai or kimono outfit were passing flyers, so there was a severe competition among maid cafes, yes, even maid cafes are run by capitalism in Japan. Also, I noticed a four eyed girl (meganekko) with heavily pinned Attack On Titan batches was passing fliers. So, I had a little chat with her, and she said she was a big fan of Levi. So she had a lot of Levi batches attached to her outfit and purse. But I didn’t find any Mikasa or Krista batches. So, I told her, “I’m a fan of Krista.” And she grinned and instantly told me, “Oh, so you wanna marry her!” Then, I bursted into laughter and told her, “Ohhh, you totally know! LOL.” Yes, she looked cute, it would instantly killed a meganekko-moe otaku, but the way she spoke was very nerdy, or very otaku. Normally, people wait until other person gets to finish the sentence, but she didn’t read the atmosphere and went ahead and kept going blurting her own interests with so much passion in it! And so fast paced. Yup, very otaku! I loved it! This was really Akiba!
But, I didn’t go to her cafe. Because there was one maid before that I couldn’t take off my head. When I got a flier from her, I told her, “No, I can’t go, I have somewhere else to go to.” But she was like, “Really? Are you not coming to our cafe…?” with a sad face and a very fragile voice. I was like, “Oh, my Gooooooood!” After that, I got a short term memory loss, wandered around a little bit talking to other maids on the street, and by the time I realized, I was inside the cafe that a sad looking face maid was working at. Yes, I think it was Maidreamin. But their service wasn’t that different from maid cafes at American anime cons. They got dance and music performance, janken-pon and game, and take pictures with a maid with some additional fees. But what is the difference? The Japanese maids kneeled down at my table and address me as Goshujin-sama (master)!!! I suddenly got a breathing problem, and almost choked myself. That kneeling down gesture, ughu, my head exploded. Oh yes! THis is what I have been wanting for such a long time since I watched Mahoromatics! The pleasure of being recognized as Master, this totally makes me “overman” or superman advocated by Nietzsche as Master Morality! The sweet pronunciation and sound articulated by the cute lips of a maid was just amazingly holistic. It’s not fake, not phony, it’s real, the real pronunciation of Goshujin-sama~! And with that high-pitched kawaii voice, and also a smile that welcomes todos, not only us kimo-ota, but also all kinds of sentient beings! Yes, just like that song by Yanase Takashi, the author of a kids’ anime Anpan-man, we all are living! Even trees and mountains! Too bad the genius Yanase Takashi passed away recently, but anyway, the maid’s smile was so welcoming. So, I took a picture with her doing a cat pose. Kekeke. Buhiiii!!! But darn, when I checked the bill that the maid slipped in, $40! It popped my eyes!
Then, I went to @home cafe. I ordered a special cocktail made by maids, who would not order it!? Ahh, Tokyo has really good subway system with Suica, so I don’t even need to worry about DUI. You can drink as much as you want in Tokyo, ahh, this sense of freedom! No need to be a Paris Hilton in Los Angeles. And I had a few conversation with maids, and of course they all looked cute, so it was hard to choose who to talk to. I wanted to talk to all the maids, but that was physically impossible, harem is only possible for Donald Trump, to rent the entire cafe just for yourself. I think Japanese girls are generally really cute, the fashion is well-developed and makeup is really cute and natural looking too. Yes, euphorically kawaii! I also talked to them about Attack On Titan and that I was a fan of Krista. And some maid said they cosplayed as Krista and her partner as Ymir, yes, a lesbian couple! The most pleasurable existence in the world, well in 2D. I almost asked, “Can you show me the pictures on your smartphone?” But I figured I couldn’t ask what they do in private life, and asking pictures of their cosplay in private life would violate that rule. So, I digressed and enjoyed cocktail looking at cute maids walking around serving masters. When they caught me ogling at them, they waved at me and smiled with a little head tilting, and that just made me go to heaven instantly. None of them said, “Don’t stare at me, you pervert!” which was so dreamlike. An otaku guy sitting next to me was a regular and all maids recognized him like VIP. I think maids gave me a green card, I think that’s for a first time member, but the card upgrades to bronze, silver, gold, and the most prestigious one is black. And the one he had was black! He explained to me the card status is based on how many times you go to @home cafe. Wow, this system. And if you have a black card, maids will recognize you and treat you like a close friend. And, no keigo (polite formal language) is used, but casual way of speaking is applied to the conversation with a black card-carrying customer. I was a first time customer, so they talked very formal to me. But they still addressed me “goshujin-sama.” Ahh, I couldn’t stop myself from grinning (niya-niya), kwaaa, so nice! Low self-esteem would be the past! But here was expensive also, $30. To be Master comes with a price. Ah, too bad. So, felt really euphoric and bad at the same time, it’s complicated, my psychological dilemma! But now I got a green card from @home cafe, so I will use this for immigration. :) I hope Obama issues executive order to recognize this as “green card.”
The other maid cafe I went was Cure Maid. Here, a maid at reception didn’t address me as “Goshujin-sama.” I was like, “What a hell?” So, I felt something was wrong, “Is this really a maid cafe?” A maid came to my table, but she didn’t address me as “goshujin-sama” either. So, I asked,”What kind of service do you provide?” She said this was supposed to be a tea station, not really a maid cafe. No picture, no game, no goshujin-sama, no one-to-one conversation. And no “moe moe kyun” when passing cake to me. But how come they are still wearing a maid costume then? So, it’s still a cosplay cafe. And the way they spoke was too formal and slow, almost like aristocratic way of speaking, which I never heard in real life. I tried to pace up, so I speeded up a manner of speech, but the maid kept her conversation pace to herself, didn’t change to a customer’s speed. No adjustment whatsoever! What kind of customer service was this? You make me adjust to your speed? So, I was pretty frustrated. They didn’t talk cute at all but some kind of conceited ojou-sama. They are maids, so they are supposed to talk like servants, how come they talk more upperclass than me? When did I become a lower class? Well, of course, I’m a working class guy or proletarian in real life, but still it didn’t make any sense. I’m supposed to be their master. As a matter of fact, they were introduced as a maid cafe on the website, so it was really off. So, I left this place with frustration. I couldn’t become Master in this cafe. But the price was reasonable, it was only $8. Yeah, no service other than serving tea and cake. So, it’s like Starbucks. But I think Starbucks was even better than this. They don’t talk more upperclass than me. American English is pretty egalitarian. And I thought Gen. MacArthur has ended all these aristocracy BS in 1945. So I didn’t enjoy this cafe at all. So, I didn’t get to have Master Morality but rather Slave Morality.
One thing I learned was there were no pictures allowed with smart phones at any cafe, which was very frustrating. If they allowed pictures, we could upload to our blogs, or tweet live, facebook them, this Anime Diet article would be full of maid pictures, and that would have been a good advertisement to their cafes. I don’t know why they don’t allow it? It was very strict. Probably privacy issue? Okay, I understand that. That’s why no photographs, I got that. But, no skinship at all??? There was a huge warning sign, “Do not touch maid!” Noli Me Tangere. Are they as holy as Christ? Mary Magdalene was told not to touch Christ when He was resurrected. Are maids also just resurrected? Chosen Ones? No skinship… I think just shaking hands should be okay. America is a country of free hug. Americans always shake hands when greeting. Latin America, girls will kiss your cheek and hug. It doesn’t need to be exclusively lovers to do that. So, I felt Japan is still a skinshipless country. Nothing is changed since I left Japan. Skinship is not possible. Oh yes, in Japan, I never touched any opposite sex! Well, that explains why dating sims like Love Plus and Amagami are so popular in Japan, because there is no skinship at all! Girls are Noli Me Tangere all the time! The only possible way to get skinship with girls, access to girl’s skin is to be in romantic relationship in Japan. Other than that, no skinship. So, misophobic society. No oxytocin produced, no love, and more kimo-ota craving for carnal love and come to Akiba! Yes, connection and access to the opposite sex, that is the whole theme of being youth. But failing to do so, especially high school, especially 17 years old, when you never get to walk with a girl on the way home, that sets the whole course of life as eternal youth, puer aeternus. Or Peter Pan like Michael Jackson. In Inoue Kikuko’s words, “17 forever!” But drinking tea at maid cafes where cute girls call you “master.” And when you are leaving, they are like, “Are you leaving already…?” I was like, “Oh my gooooshhhh!” How many girls said that to me in my life!!! None!! Girls were like, “Get lost, you creep!” Uzai, kimoi, dokka-ike! I just wanted to be friend with them, how could they be cruel like that to me? But this maid was showing a sad face when I was leaving… Ahhh, I soo wanted to stay a lot more, but additional charges, so couldn’t stay any longer. Of course, I wanted to stay as long as I could, but my wallet was getting lighter and lighter, running out of all the Yens that I exchanged at the airport. So, I had no choice but to leave the moe moe kyun moment…although I never wanted to…shiku-shiku…