As spring approaches, Valentine’s Day is upon us, and even the most hardened anime otaku’s thoughts must turn to love.

Though some resist this destiny, I will not run, scream, or fight. I have always been of the opinion that the most important decisions are those you make in an instant and stick with for a lifetime.

Therefore, in accordance with time-honored tradition,

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Note: The following event is real, and may not be safe for work.  This article was produced after repeated requests for details by readers on Twitter.  It may shock you, as it certainly shocked the author.

There was a lot of tongue.

That thought was the first to slip through as my mind unchained myself of its shock. I was standing in a grocery store and not ten paces away, a pair of pigtailed girls who might have been sisters were being very affectionate with each other.

While that ordinarily would have caused me to assume a publicity stunt and look for hidden cameras, they also didn’t look a day over ten.

Somehow, I had stumbled upon exhibitionist lolis. Real, live, in-the-flesh, twin-tailed, possibly incestuous, exhibitionist lolis.

Not quite like this grin. But not entirely dissimilar.

Let’s be honest. I don’t know what the normal reaction to such an event is. I’m guessing there is no normal reaction, because this event falls outside the realm of “normal.” My reaction was to blink, rub my eyes, and re-open them only to find one of the girls looking up at me with a grin and a knowing look on her face. It was truly baffling. Was that expression mischief? The confession of an innocent prankster? Was it something else? In another context, in another time, that grin could be taken any number of different ways.

Noise sounded, and parents arrived. One sister slid deftly out of the other’s arms and they began pulling at each other’s hair, chasing each other around fruit stands, giggling and shouting, slipping effortlessly back into the fabric of normal behavior. Only the faint, glistening sheen of saliva on one girl’s neck as it caught the light, and the wicked twinkle in the other’s eye, remained to tell that anything had ever been out of the ordinary.

What had I just seen?

Anime Diet East will be spreading its banner and once again making the sacred pilgrimage to New York for the New York Anime Festival. Oddly enough, the only set items on the schedule are the Del Ray pre-party, the Yui Makino concert, and a certain karaoke gathering for those of exceptionally refined taste and articulation.

Not a recommended way to travel.

Liveblogging will occur via Twitter.  Expect incriminating photos.

I have seen the future, and it is fantastic.

These bounce each time she gives a status report. No joke.

Multicolored hair!  Massive oppai¹!  Quantum everything!  Cool robots!  Just ignore the bizarre displays of objectum sexual² behavior that accompany all these things in Divergence Eve, and we’ll proceed.

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Advent Cirno, as drawn by 牛木義隆 (Yoshitaka Ushiki)

Anime Diet wishes all residents of Gensyoko a happy Cirno Day.  ZUN, creator of Touhou, alternately labeled Cirno “the strongest faerie” and “⑨ – idiot.”  With these fateful words, a legend was born.  As such, 09/09/09 is now celebrated worldwide as Cirno Day.

From the Diet 3 Daily -

Bangkok, Thailand, Sept. 3, 2009. Our reporters discovered with much shock that the overlords of Anime Diet, Maike, AKA  Ikari Gendo and Jeromy Jagi, AKA Giga J, were sharing a bed together!

With apologies to the real author...Of course it's not real for us!

Upon hearing the news, Rayder, AKA Krauser III, was so shocked that he only said: “Freaking traitors! You guys weren’t even in San Francisco! You bastards!”

Maike and Jeromy issued a press statement: “We were just playing cards together and it got rather intense so we yelled in unison in frustration. That’s what men usually do, right?”

The yaoi fan girls in the Diet’s audience were ecstatic over the outcome and they hated Rayder even more.

“He purposely set them up and then sent reporters there, that bastard!” Said one Diet’s fan girl. “Just because he was jealous of how close his…uh…friends were!”

“Of course it was beautiful…I mean, a trap set up by Rayder! What a jerk for ruining a hawt moment…I mean creating a scandalous moment just for the sake of making news…Actually, that wasn’t so bad…” Said another fan girl blushing and drooling from her mouth while having a nose bleed. “No…That…was…awesome…Ah hem.” She wiped her nose with the last tissue from her tissue box.

“Thank you…I mean, that was terrible, Rayder!” A regular contributor of the Diet complained. “Let them be… I mean, creating a scandal like that…That’s…uh…mean…yeah, that’s it.” She said while wiping off the drool from her mouth. “They can’t do that…But in any case, can I have more?”

The fiasco for the Diet is currently being evaluated by the Seele of the Diet as we speak.

From The Diet 3 Daily -

August 27, 2009, somewhere under Tokyo, Japan. Chief Aramaki indicated at a certain gathering that the current Japanese politics is murky at best and the best direction for the people is not up to Section 9, or any other sections at the Public Security. However, our inside source caught a whisper.

“…Aso may not be the best…in our interest…however…Hatoyama…It is my belief that our amount funding shall not change no matter…As the people may suspect…”

Our source had to leave when Captain Kusanagi, Aramaki’s right-hand woman, looked up. Without confirming  if we were found out or not, our source left the premises immediately.

However, as much as we could get from limited information, Section 9 did not see Aso’s situation as favorable.

“One could usually see Section 9’s people around Aso, but recently…” One cabinet member who refused to be named mused: “I haven’t seen them around him.”

The outcome of the election remains to be seen. However, Aso’s Cyber-campaign had already begun…

Our crack team of Cyber-specialists as well as mind-attack analyzers have already begun analyzing the CM.

More updates to come.

From the editor’s desk at the Diet 3 Daily -

The investigators from the Diet 3 Headquarters, which is located somewhere underground Tokyo, launched an investigation on the recently completed Federation secret weapon, also know as Gundam, a Mobile Suit not too much unlike our own Rayder’s Dark Custom Suit, and discovered a shocking truth – unlike what’s stated in the Federation Gundam Operation Manual, the Mobile Suit, which is currently located on the not-so-secret-facility on Odaiba Island, is not made from Luna Titanium, which the scientists at Anaheim Electronics, a weapons manufacturing company from the future, synthesized at the Moon Base, but made of some kind of 20th-century plastic material know as PVC.

“Frankly, I’m shocked, just shocked.” Said Rayder, after leaping out the cockpit of his suit, tumbled and rolled in the air, and then made a perfect-10 landing on the launch deck of the Diet 3’s mobile battle cruiser, the Giga J, named after its huge turrets, especially its main particle cannon directly poking out the anterior of the ship. He then shook his head in utter disbelief.

“Ha! I knew nobody does giant mechas like I can! Or rather like what my institution can!” said Ikari “Mike” Gendo, who smirked with his usual posture behind his desk. “Think the SD will finally yield, Fuyusuki?” He said, apparently to the person behind him.

“Yes, I believe it will,” said Mike C, his roommate. “Oh, by the way, stop staying up so late every night and watching that scene of Asuka kissing Shinji over and over.” He paused and coughed. “It’s annoying listening to the same whiny girl every night while trying to get to sleep.”

Ikari “Mike” Gendo showed his usual wolfish smile but said nothing.

We tried to interview Amuro Ray but he was getting his ass chewed out online by all the Zeonists. “You suck! You get a giant-sized PVC for a mecha?” one Zeonist commented.

Some other harsh criticisms are as follows:

“I’m naked wearing only a red Speedo! Amuro Ray, I’m now three times as fast as before! Mwa hahahahaha watch me shoot!”

“Oh look, my mecha is made of titanium and ceramic composite! You’re so doomed, doomed I say!”

“Ooh, look at my new Minovsky reactor! And it’s painted red, too! Look at me going not 3 times as fast, but 300 times as fast!”

Amuro Ray only said this: “Even my father didn’t say all these silly things to me!”

Our investigator was tempted to slap his face nonetheless.

More information is to come.

It has been confirmed that Johannes Krauser III will be on tour through major US cities, specifically near major landmarks.

The name of the tour is called: “Grease your behind tour”. However, apparently the only behinds that will need greasing are the ones owned by major landmarks.

“Watch out, Golden Gate Bridge! It’s time for your cables to lose their virginity! You too, Coit Tower! Be prepared to get as wet as Tokyo Tower did! Oh and you four on Mt. Rushmore, salivate in your mouths and wait for me!”

Krauser III gave his remark and then added: “There are just so many tower-like structures in US that my seeds of destruction and terror will be sowed everywhere! Here’s one for the Washington Monument!”

He raised his finger in a thrusting motion.

Fans everywhere have been eagerly anticipating the specially greasy and terrifying event. However, fans in New York City are going to be disappointed. The band manager has already confirmed that NYC is not on the touring schedule.

“I don’t think NYC will welcome a terrorist from hell.” She said.

Krauser III added: “Uh…Even the demon king from hell respects New York City and what it stood for, even though he does not care anything for it. So yes, NYC shall be spared…THIS TIME!”

The tour will began on the July 4^th weekend and will continue through out the month of July.

This just in – July 10, Miyazaki City, Miyazaki Prefecture, Japan – just a few minutes after 11:45 PM Japan time, the local police arrested Sakamoto Kazami, a local elementary school teacher who has been secretly drawing and selling “animal boys love” doujinshi for 3 years. The “Shin Mobile Morality Squad“, which the Diet reported 2 years ago, has been tracking the activities of this woman for some time. They collaborated in the her arrest. According to police chief Yamada, this was a “victory against public immorality in the other direction.”

We at the Diet think he was referring to lolicon-art material for the first direction, as this police chief has been known for supporting the national effort to ban loli-hentai and loli-eroge.

“She did sell her work in Tokyo primarily, but then she decided that there should be some freedom for a close-knit society such as the one in Japan – she felt that we had to learn to allow people to express themselves as individuals, and thus she began selling her wares online and also distributing some of her work as well as others’ work over Winny.” Chief Yamada said. He refused to comment whether her 1-year study in US had any influence on her behavior.

Such arrests seem to be becoming more common in recent days as artists formerly enjoying their relative freedom in Tokyo as well as in their own backyard are becoming wearier of the actions of the local police and the Shin Mobile Morality Squad, as well as the politicians’ efforts to make Japan more “westerner friendly”.

It is our opinion at the Diet that further arrests for yaoi artists as well as loli-artists aren’t far off.